show me... i'll go...

On Thursday, I went to Seattle for work – to write a story about a youth mission event. I went to the site, took some pictures and then it was time for the worship service. I expected to take a few pictures and a couple of notes and leave. When we pulled up to the church, I saw my friend Matt’s car – I didn’t know whether to expect to see him or not. After he got back from dinner, we talked and I felt like all I said was negative stuff… then we went into worship – it started off with interpretive movement, then they showed a couple of videos – one caught my attention – it was quote after quote about going but the two quotes that caught my attention were quotes by Bob Pierce and Amy Carmichael – Pierce’s being “Let my heart be broken with the things that break God’s heart.” And Carmichael’s being “You can give without loving. You cannot love without giving.” Nate (worship leader) then got up and asked, “What will worship cost you tonight?” and he told the story of David, ending up with the words out of 1 Chronicles 21:24, “But King David replied to Araunah, "No, I insist on paying the full price. I will not take for the LORD what is yours, or sacrifice a burnt offering that costs me nothing.” How expensive was my worship going to be? As we sang, I wiped away streaming tears. We sang for the nations to be glad and the greatness of God… and my worship took several forms – sitting, standing, arms out, arms up, palms open and up, hands to my chest, smiling, crying, looking up, looking down, hands clasped, bouncing, dancing, swaying, standing still… forget taking notes… I needed to be there for me…

Then the speaker got up… the story was one of the woman who washed Jesus’ feet with her tears, her hair and expensive perfume… she was willing to go to an uncomfortable place and break a jar of perfume worth 1-3 years’ wages on the feet of Jesus. I started to think about how much money that is – what that would mean for me… then, when Nate got back up to sing, I snuck out the back. I went outside where I could still hear, but where the air was crisp and fresh. It was nice. I began to pray, and these are some of the phrases that rolled off my tongue… “God, I want to be obedient. I don’t want to say no to you. Show me where you want me, even if it’s Vancouver and I’ll go. I’ll do what you want – just show me… show me… show me…I’ll go… I’ll go… I’ll go… (it actually made me think of two movies – one being jerry maguire where rod tidwell is teaching jerry how to say “show me the money” – and instead I was saying “show me where you want me…” and ferris bueller’s day off were Cameron says, “I’ll go. I’ll go. I’ll go…”)

Then I started to realize what I’d have to give up – how much easier it would be if I didn’t have a job or an apartment – if I didn’t have anything…

Show me…

Lately I have been wrestling with my job – is it where I’m supposed to be? I don’t think it’s the last job I’ll ever have (I know it won’t be.) but I don’t know how soon I will be leaving it – what would I do in the field? I had, what seemed like, a million questions, comments, cries to the Lord – then a lady came out and we sat there together, humming words to the songs under our breath and it was peaceful and beautiful… and I loved it… then she went in and a man came out… it was the same thing, but we sang more audibly – then he went in… and then the breakdown… “show me… show me… show me… I’ll go… I’ll go… I’ll go…” (I think I need everything watered down) – and to top it off, the lesson on Sunday before all of this was on obedience…

Then the service was over. I went in and thanked Matt for listening to me and he said he thought it would be good if Mary moved back (one of the things we talked about was me feeling like I don’t have a lot of “soul friends” left here – who really know me and love me anyway)… and I said, “yeah, I’m not sure how long I’ll be staying” – and I shared with him some thoughts from the night – and how maybe I was called to go… and how hard it’d be to give everything up, and he encouraged me… I was thankful for that…

So I went back to Chris and Meredith’s – and I wrote all of it down… and slept peacefully and restfully for the first night in a really long time…

I was heading back to Vancouver Friday, still unsure of what the call was… and what was going on… and I started thinking, “I’m too old to do anything like I did in college…” and then it hit me… “I’m only 25!!! I can do the journeyman program” – which is a 2-year program through the international mission board… so I called everyone I know and told them… expecting to get a lot of “are you sure? Isn’t this sudden? What are you thinking?” – instead, since then, I’ve only gotten positive responses… and no one is surprised… what I didn’t realize is that God has been taking me through this process for the last several months… phrases like, “I know something’s coming, but I’m not sure what it is…” and “I think I may get called to international missions… will you pray for me?” and “I’m ready to go. If God calls me out, I’m ready to go... sometimes I just want to be out there” and “there’s something in the air – I can’t quite put my finger on it…” and “what am I going to do now that I’ve finished seminary? Well, now I have freedom, in that, if God calls me overseas, I can go with less to stop me…” and other phrases along those lines…

The gross illustration fits it best… I’m warning everyone – it’s disgusting – but it fits…
It’s like the pimple that is under the surface… it’s not ready to pop, but you can feel it… and it hurts… but it’s not ready…and for so long, I’ve been able to feel something under the surface, unsure of what it is… and I guess, on Friday, it finally popped… I know… GROSS… but it totally makes sense…

Last night I was hanging out with jess, beck, and dave – and jess, beck and I are sharing stories about living overseas… and I started telling one of my stories and I just started cracking up… the story isn’t even that funny… 3 girls, freezing, sick in a smelly chinese “hotel” room, thinking we’re hearing a rat, sleeping in two beds – close together!!! In telling the story, I seriously laughed harder than I have in a long time… laughter tears streaming down my face… those were good times… it was hard, sure, but I’ve never had a better time serving God. I’ve never trusted in Him or relied on Him more than when I was there…

The events of the last three days have confirmed Thursday night/Friday morning… I started the process of applying for the journeyman program. I’ll sent in the pre-application. I should receive the regular application soon and need to complete it by the end of September. If everything runs smoothly and on schedule, I will be in the 6-week training (MLC) mid-March. I feel good about it… Right now, it’s just being patient and completely here while God has me here…